It seems hard to believe that last January 8 was the last time I said "I love you" to my Mom and she answered back. Less than 24 hours after that exchange, I held her hand and watched as she took her last breath, on January 9. And now, here it is, January 8, 2009 and a whole year has passed. It has been a tough year, a bitter-sweet year, a year of adjustments, a surprisingly fast year and a year which, at times, felt like life was happening in a vacuum.
I don't really know how I feel that tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my Mom's death. Everything about everything happening last year at this time is still so vivid and fresh in my mind, kind of like it just happened. But it didn't just happen, and that is so apparent in my life. We have adjusted, as best as we can, to life without Mom and we have established a 'new normal' within the family. To me, there still is a void when we all get together as a family, which is often, yet at the same time it seems that my family has grown closer as a result of Mom's death. Despite the circumstances, I am happy about that.
I remember when she first died, people would tell me it gets easier with time. I'm sure that is true; it has to be easier than this past year was. My fear, however, is that when it does seem easier, I will have forgotten. I know it sounds silly but right now I don't want it to be easier because in my mind, that 'ease' equates to something I don't want it to equate to. I felt this very poignantly on New Year's Day.
On New Year's Day this year, I was so incredibly sad and when I had a chance to reflect as to why, I realized that I didn't want to leave 2008...because I felt that I was leaving Mom. She died in 2008 and any distance from that year to me meant distance from her. Again, I know it is silly and something that I need to deal with but as I said, that's how it is for me right now.
That's not to say things haven't gotten easier. Some days are a breeze, but I have others that are difficult. Grief is weird like that.
And so it is. I have no idea how tomorrow will be for me. I know that I will be thinking about what was going on one year ago, and I am sure I will remark that I can't believe a whole year has passed. Other than that, I don't know. I plan on going to DQ and having a Blizzard because Mom loved Blizzards (and could eat them on a daily basis). I think that will help me feel closer to her.
I'll let you know how it goes and how I progress. And for those of you who are interested, her Yahrzeit is on January 28 this year (3 Shevat).
Comments