The day my Mom died last January, we got Ethan the book ''The Berenstain Bears Lose A Friend'. It's a story about Sister Bear's pet, Goldie the Goldfish, and what happened when Goldie died one day. We wanted something that we thought Ethan would be able to relate to on the topic of death, and when we read it to him we talked about how all living things - from people to goldfish - die. This was his bedtime book of choice for quite a while, and each time we got to the part about Goldie being in the 'Underwater Castle in the Sky', he asked if Nana was there with her, and was happy to learn that she was.
This book had taken a long hiatus, resting on the bookshelf for many months until just recently. It is back in the rotation and when we read it to Ethan (and Sasha, if she can sit through it long enough), we don't discuss it at the length the way we did earlier in the year. Sometimes, Ethan will ask when he can get a goldfish and what would happen if it dies so we talk about that. But Nana, for the most part, stays out of the conversation.
Earlier this week as I was getting dinner ready for the kids, Ethan came to me with a stuffed 'Grinch' that my Mom had given him two years ago when she was in the hospital. He was holding it tightly and told me it was a nice Grinch because it has a heart (it literally has a red heart sewn onto it). I said "Do you remember who gave you that Grinch?" and he said "Yes, Nana." I then told him that the Grinch has a heart because Nana loves him very, very much. This started a conversation not only about Nana, but Goldie the Goldfish as well:
Ethan: Is Nana with Goldie?
Me: Yes she is, and she is taking really good care of her. But even though we don't see Nana anymore, she is still with us. And she still loves you very, very much.
Ethan: Goldie died.
Me: Yes she did. But she lived a really good life.
Ethan: Nana died, too.
Me: Yes she did. And she lived a really good life, too.
Ethan: But how can Nana be with Goldie? Goldie is wrapped in a handkerchief.
In the story, Mama Bear wraps Goldie in a handkerchief. Sister Bear takes the handkerchief, puts in a small box, goes out to the backyard and buries the box with Goldie in it. I told Ethan that even though Goldie is wrapped in a handkerchief, she and Nana are still together. He gave me a look, and then he changed the topic.
It was a nice moment with Ethan, even though it was fleeting. It made me realize that although we don't talk about Nana every day, she is always with us and he still remembers her. And in his own way, he is trying to relate what happened to Sister Bear and Goldie with what happened to Nana. His 4-year-old mind is at work.
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