Life is really busy. And that's a good thing as it can help one cope with the loss of someone important. There are few times throughout the day when I can get totally wrapped up in my own thoughts and become absorbed with what is on my mind. But when I do have those times and those thoughts, I cherish them.
One such time is when I am working out - whether at the gym or running outside. I put my iPod on "shuffle" and get lost in the music and my thoughts. I love the shuffle feature of the iPod because you never know what song is coming next, and I never know what memory or emotion that song might stir up. It is usually during this precious "alone" time that I think the most about my mom, and quite often I will find tears streaming down my face amidst the sweat.
I think about her funeral, her being sick, how badly I want to talk to her, how I wish she could see Ethan and Sasha, how much I miss her. And I think about what she said the night she told Stacey and me that they were setting up hospice. She said "Now I will always be with you." I have to be honest though, I don't always feel her presence. In fact, more often than not I am looking for a sign from her that I cannot find.
Maybe I'm looking too hard. Maybe the signs are there and I just can't see or feel or smell them. There have been a few times when she has "shown up." She appears in my dreams quite often, and one time I took Ethan into an empty public restroom at a hotel we were staying at and smelled her perfume. Every now and then - not as often as he did over the winter - Ethan will look up and say "Look Mama...there's Nana." And Sasha - who was only 10 months old when my mom died - will look at a picture of her and say "Nana." Those are signs.
But I want more. I want her to answer me when I talk to her. I want her to help me when I have a problem or issue to work out. I want her to answer me when I say "Mom?" I know that's a lot to ask for and too much to expect. After all, my mom died...but I'm just being honest about what I want.
I don't obsess over this, really. I'm not angry or bitter that she is not playing the role in my life that I want her to play. Well, maybe at times I am angry, but that's not what I am trying to convey. I don't sit around bug-eyed looking here and there for my mom. It's just at certain times, when I have time to think, I wonder where she is and what sign she might give me. Is she, as she said she would be, always with me?
The other day at the gym as I was engrossed in this thought, my iPod randomly chose an Adam Ant song to go streaming in my ears. I heard the music, then the lyrics "Did I tell you you're wonderful? I miss you, yes I do." Then, amidst the sweat, tears. Lots of tears.
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