Fall is upon us, and quite honestly, I've been a bit nervous for this time of year to arrive. It was last year at this time that my mom came over to play with the kids for the last time. I remember how on the Tuesdays and Thursdays throughout the month of September, 2007 Ethan, Sasha and I saw less and less of her. September 2007 was not a good month: first my grandma Rueth passed away, and then my mom learned that the back and leg pain she had been experiencing for several weeks were due to a broken hip. Because she wasn't feeling well, she opted to stay home instead of come here to be with the kids and me, and at that time I had no idea that I would never again hear Ethan yell out "NANA!" when she walked into our house. She walked into our house only one more time, on Halloween, to see the kids in their costume.
And that's kind of the point of this entry. I remember last August very well. My other grandmother was in town from Florida, and she and my mom came over often to see the kids. I remember how my mom would lay down on our sofa during their visits to "take a little nap." I also remember Andy saying to me "Your mom looks a bit thin," or "Your mom looks a bit green." Yeah, I agreed with him, but I wasn't really concerned because she said she was feeling OK, and I always took her at her word. Also, it was my mom and she had been beating cancer for so many years...
Well, yesterday afternoon, I had Ethan and Sasha on my lap as we looked at pictures on my laptop. Ethan loves to take strolls down memory lane, and Sasha likes to blurt out the names of the people she sees (usually "Dada," "Mama," "Ethie," etc.). As for me, it's always fun to look at pictures of my children in their various different stages of life and remark to myself how much they are growing. Since the day before yesterday we went through most of the 2008 photos - three times - I decided that we would look at pictures from when Sasha was a baby.
We started out looking at pictures from summer of 2007. Most were of Sasha laying on the floor (since she was not yet 6 months old at that point) and Ethan trying to wrestle her. But then we came to one picture that really made me stop and think. This was a picture of my mom, Ethan and Sasha sitting on the sofa in our living room. Sasha is on mom's lap and Ethan is sitting next to her with a big grin on his face.
The picture was taken at the beginning of September...right before all the shit hit the fan with my mom's health. I remember the day...my mom had brought over some mardi gras beads and masks that were party favors from a wedding she and my dad attended. Ethan was having a blast with it all, and my mom loved watching him play. I took some pictures and uploaded them to my computer. I remember thinking that my mom looked a bit pale, but I also remember not really being concerned. Perhaps I was in denial...I don't know.
But as I looked at the picture yesterday with my kids, I actually blurted out "WOW." Ethan asked what was wow, and I told him that Nana didn't look so good in the photo. That was an understatement - she looked sick. Don't get me wrong...she looked as happy as ever being with the kids, but she really looked sick. And I know last year I didn't think she looked as sick as she did to me yesterday. It wasn't until late October of last year when I realized that my mom might not be able to hold out for another win against her cancer.
Looking at this one photo got me thinking: there are so many people out there - millions and millions - whose lives are touched by cancer in one way or another. And if that's not bad enough, there are so many people out there who are looking at their loved ones and not seeing the "real picture." Whether it's denial or stubbornness or hope, they refuse - just like I did - to look at the situation at face value and deal with what the real possible outcomes could be. Sure, I knew that one day my mom would die, and it probably would be from cancer. But I was so unprepared for the event when it did happen.
And that's why I am so devoted - and fired up, actually - to get back to promoting my mom's book and her message. Not only does it help the cancer patient, but it also sheds light to family and friends. We had a copy of the manuscript on our coffee table for months, but it wasn't until last October that I was able to read it cover to cover. It helped me understand some things that my mom didn't talk to me about. It helped me put some things in perspective. And it helped me understand some of the decisions she and my dad made along the way.
Still, I wasn't able to admit to myself that perhaps this was the end...I was too close, too attached and frankly, too scared for that thought. But now 8 1/2 months after my mom died I can look at that one photo and really see what was going on. My mom was sick, and even though I refused at the time to see it, she looked it.
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